The perks of not being a flavor.

(Written in 2019)

There is a big drawback that I have discovered when I got back into poly. 

Perhaps it’s the new times, perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t have a big polycircle of friends that I can sleep with, have sex with or being intimate on a casual basis or perhaps it’s the boring thing that I don’t have a primary.

The drawback is that I am seen as a… flavor, a fun adventure or exotic.

And that fucking breaks me down into a million pieces.

I don't know if it’s the poly thing or the non-primary-situation but it has happened a bit too many times during the last year for me to think it’s fun.

I wrote about it before and for me it’s so important to have value in most of my relations and even in sex. I want to connect and I want to talk afterwards. 

And I can have sex for fun just once, that's not the thing here.

It’s when I get lied to about them having a girlfriend, (not not not fun to discover later on)getting suggestions about spending the night even when they have wifes (that always makes me feel like a whole evening is kinda ruined) or the standard that they want to be with a dark girl for sex.

I hate it so much. 

Sometimes when this happens after fun evening out, I start to wonder if I have done something wrong to get all of these morons coming to me.But as you know, I can’t flirt even if my life depends on it and most of the times I have just been me, discussing games, nerdy stuff, sharing jokes and drinking like there was no tomorrow.

But those questions make me sober up so damn quick and I feel so bad. I often laugh the questions away and tell them to go home by themself and then I go the other way and feel sad, used and lonely.

I had a thought in late summer to start getting on dating sites since it seems that there could be a lot of fun people there. But after the 30+ suggestions that are all about me being a flavor and a sexy spice in someone's life for fun, I don’t want to get on dating sites.

I’m afraid since I don’t want to get anymore of those comments and suggestions. They make me feel bad, cheap and most of all, they make me feel like an object instead of a human and a woman.

Maybe I’m getting a bit more cynical but maybe not.

It’s not unreasonable that I get treated like a human and not a fun adventure for someone else's sake.
The persons that made those suggestions to me may have the best intentions (or not) but when saying things like that, they show a huge lack of respect towards their partners and most of all towards me.
Since suggestions like that show that they don’t respect or value me.

I’m still not sure if this is because I’m poly but I don’t think that is the case since I’m not that open with it. Perhaps it's just that I run into a lot of selfish idiots.

I am more careful now and that feels sad. But I rather be a bit more careful than ending up getting hurt and sad.
And I know that I am worth so so much more than being a flavor for someone else’s fun.