I want to connect. Polyamory for me is still a thing.

(Written in 2019)

Poly is a thing for me. But when I say that I’m into poly, I mean that I’m not into poly.

Confusing?

Let me explain.

When I started doing poly back in…. Way too many years to remember, I loved to feel free, to kiss, love and have sexual and loving relationship with a lot of different people.
But after a while I realized that I was not that into just sleeping with new people. Not if I did not connect with them.

I loved kissing for hours with new, beautiful people but I did not like having sex with people I just met. That made me feel disconnected and after a while… horribly alone.

I tried to wrap my head around what was wrong with me. Did I not like the poly lifestyle? Why could I not have sex with new people like I was supposed to do as a poly person?

I was very young here so yeah, that’s how I thought it worked. And I got a lot of non-helpful advice from other polypeople that said that if I was really poly, I had to sleep with them. Oh, the fun times….

After a while and some mistakes, I learned what I wanted and what I needed. 

I wanted to connect with people. 

I wanted to share emotions.

I wanted the intimacy and tenderness. 

I wanted the sex and the kisses, the hugs and the light hands in my hair.

I wanted to be a part in someone's life,because when I find someone I connect to, I did let them be a part of mine.
That’s why it was so easy for me to have friends as lovers. I had already loved them so much and with many of them I had already had the hugs and emotional support. Adding the sex part was just a bonus that worked for us as long as it felt good. Then we went back to being friends. I still have many of them in my life today and I’m very happy for that.

And today?

I still work the same in many ways. I like to kiss beautiful people, I like to feel attracted to new persons.
I like to talk to them and see if we connect and I want to drown in that feeling.

Desire begins in the mind and it’s very clear that I works that way in 9/10 times.
The 10th time… that’s just me being drunk or high on life and want to have sex. And in that 10th case, that works just as fine.

Hey… wanna sex?

But what I’m looking for in my life as poly is the polyamory part.

The one where I can have loving, emotional, sexual relationships with people I feel connected to, in both mind and body. 

I want the intimacy and the shared sleep. 

I want to be a part of someone's life and to be able to talk to them. 

And keep in mind, when I start seeing new people, I’m not looking for a deep relationship with all the commitments. But when I start seeing new people and continue to see them, it is because their presence spark joy in my life and also because I feel a connection, and I want to build on that.

So in short:
I don’t like sleeping around since it messes with my brain. I hate to have the pressure on me that I have to have sex with new people just because I’m poly, never again.
There is nothing wrong with having a lot of sex with lots of people,as long as one is respectful, use protection and don’t lie, but that is not for me. It makes me feel lonely and disconnected.

In poly relationships, I’m looking for something that can add something to my life and where I have a place in theirs.

I’m just a sucker for feelings.