(Written in 2019)
I have very often in this blog talked about my trauma and how it affects me. It was not my intention in the beginning but I've come to realize that I really can’t leave it out - since it still affects me.
But it’s not unique to me, because almost everyone has a past that affects them or is a bit broken.
And that could be a great help in life.
Because having a past with a bit of brokeness for me has meant that I know very well what my I want from a relationship
I know what I value and I know what I need in a relationship to feel good
I also know what are the huge red warning flags in a relationship and what I should stay away from.
Sometimes I fall in the traps anyway since I’m not more than a human and I can sometimes be very weak against a nice smile or a dangerous aura. But with my latest mistake this year, I do so hope that I will not repeat it.
Please don’t get me wrong here. I would have given my left hand to be unbroken and not having nightmares and a lack of energy. But my brokenness has given me a great insight in myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.
I know my defence mechanisms and my coping mechanism and that makes it easy to analyze others.
So when I do poly, I can pretty early on find out if a relationship is something I want to hold on to based on how well I connect with the person and I can also pretty fast see their defense mechanisms and issues.
I can see if they are aware of them, if they are working with themself and if they are willing to talk about it.
Why talk about it?
Because I want to be 100% sure that I will not become the fixer, the parent, the friend or the advisor that needs to fix the person.
No way in hell that I will do that again.
That's why I want to see if they are working with themself and if they are persons with a good and healthy relationship to themself.
There have been so many times when I’ve been out with someone and after a while, my whole radar starts to beep with warnings.
About them not being honest with relations.
About them having emotional luggage that they expect everyone else around them to carry.
About them wanting to have conversations on their terms only.
About them expecting me to be strong and fixing everything all the time.
About them expecting all support and giving none.
The list can go on but my point is, since I experienced all of these behaviors in my past, I know them pretty well and I can spot them. And then it’s bye!
I also know that I have to be pretty open with my own trauma and issues when I have relationships.
Not in every relationship of course, some are just for fun and sex but for the ones that I want to last - I need to open up.
Honesty on that level is difficult for me since I’m very afraid to open up and risk being hurt. But when I find people that I want to keep and have around, it’s worth it.
They know my brokenness, I know theirs and with that, we can build relationships that give joy.
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