Boundaries and rules

 (Written in 2019)

So one of the most important things when I decided to go into Poly again was to keep a super close eye on my boundaries. 

I was determined not to get used again and I had to be sure of what I wanted.

The first step was to sit down and make a list of what I thought was important in a relationship, no matter if it was with a lover, a date or a partner. Because my boundaries have constantly been stepped over, most often in relationships, but sadly a couple of times in sexual situations. This was a huge step for me, both to put myself foremost and also to put it down in writing.

In sex, I know that it was not my fault but in relationships it has been more difficult. I always wanted to please, not to make trouble and I wanted to make things work.

In many of my relationships I ended up bending myself impossibly and overstep my boundaries to create a happiness that often was not there.

I tried to carry the relationship and went into problem solving mode too often. I thought that if I tried hard enough, it would be perfect.

But guess what: It did not become perfect and in the end. I stood there with an aching heart, almost burned out emotionally and with a feeling of wronging myself without actually achieving anything.

The funny thing is that I’ve kept on fighting to become independent and never have to rely on anyone else again. I wanted to carry my own weight and to be able to do everything by myself. And in that equation,I needed to be the strong one. The one who solved everything and never caused trouble.
Typical me. Or for anyone who struggles with a need to be perfect and to please others and never show emotions or weaknesses.

So I decided to make a fresh start when getting into poly again. 

But since most journeys must contain at least one mistake, I could not steer clear and ended up having my boundaries horrible overstepped. I fell into the same patterns of trying to please and to make excuses for bad behavior and thinking it was what I deserved 

It took a good friend's advice and his warm friendship to make me realize that I was treated badly.

“He has a girlfriend, I did not know…And he asked if this would be a problem.”

“He did what? What an asshole.”

After that conversation I could look at it from the outside perspective and see that I deserved much better and that I could put the days of when I was treated like second best behind me.
Sadly, I did not get the last say in that but in the end.  However I took the fight, put down some demands and was not only agreeing to being mistreated.

With that lesson learned I could move on. I don’t need to fall into old patterns since I’m not the same person as I once was. I don’t need to make others happy in order to feel happy. I must look after myself.

And the best thing I can do for myself and the people I care about is to keep my boundaries clear to myself.

So what is important for me in a relationship?

• Honesty above all. 

• Trust in each other.

• Validation. To lift each other up, tell nice things to each other and actively support each other in job and life.

• To be a team where both take equal responsibility in tasks, projects and caring.

• Space to listen and be listened to.

• Alone time to do things on your own.

• Equal amount of time spent on the relationship.

• Equal amount of emotional labour.

• Equal amount of emotional investment. 

• Good communication that is respectful and on both terms. Check-ins with each other.

• Cuddling, sex and being intimate.

• Consent and safety in sex.

And the last things: That I should not have to fix the other person and nor should they fix me.

Big no nos for me:

• Hearing details from other sexual endeavours. 

• Being a flavor, a bucket list-item, an object or a sex toy.

• Being a substitute for other relationships.

• Feeling second best and never being good enough. It happens when I get treated badly.

• Not feeling prioritized when we are hanging out.

• Having mutual plans canceled last minute..

• Decisions taken without my involvement. 

And the biggest no no: I don’t want to be a secret. Never ever again. I want to be a part of someone's life and feel that they want me in theirs.

So yeah, that's my boundaries and rules.That doesn’t mean that I can’t compromise, but it has to be a damn amazing person to make me do that.

This is a hard journey for me and sometimes I feel that I hold back and keep my opinions inside. But only for a while and then I remember what's important to me. Myself.

And with that knowledge, I know and trust that I can keep my boundaries and build some really good relations this time.