Hello poly, my old friend

(Written in 2019.)

Poly and I goes way back. So far back that it’s a bit scary to think about it.

In short: I was poly. Then I stopped. Then I started again.

But that is the short story.

The long story is that I was poly and loved more than one person very dearly. Then I had one primary partner and we were both poly. Though in time we both realized that our need to be with others were… not there. All we wanted was each other. 

There was no love like otterlove

A very silly but very romantic thought. And during the years it was us. No others. But we always liked poly. It gave us each other and it taught us to communicate so much better.
And of course, we always checked with each other during the years. 

Short check-ins like:

“Do you want to start seeing others?”

“Are you attracted to someone else and want to be with them?”

We also hade longer check-ins with discussions that went on for hours about if we were being too lazy to see others, what we needed from one another. One of the topics I remember from such a check-in was how my lack of energy should not stand in the way of my partner, and I begged him to see others because I could not stand the guilt of holding him back.

He never acted on that since he did not have anyone he liked or wanted to be with.

I was sad at that time for holding him back. But I'm also grateful for the respect and love he showed, especially in times when I was feeling very down. And I’m so grateful to him for never ever pushing guilt upon me.

When he found a person he was attracted to, we could talk about it and I was so happy for him and for them.

Of course we had huge arguments as well. About feeling insecure about us and about how to deal with the time-management as well as the feelings.
But we could talk about it and my feelings of loneliness died down. It worked and it felt like we were gaining extra levels in communication.

And when I met someone, we could talk about it as well.

During that last time, poly was a big part of what we connected around. We had arguments, we shared experiences and talked about the new people we met.
We had a day in Japan (our best day actually) when we just talked about our bubbly feelings.

And when it ended between us, because I realized that the guilt I felt during the years was because I loved him more than anything, but only as a friend. It felt so sad.
But poly was never the reason for us splitting, it was never about losing feelings because of others. He is still the best person and partner I ever had and probably will have.
It’s just that sometimes, lovers becomes friends.

And with that, both of us restarted our poly lifes. Now on our own.
His journey is his own and you will not read about it here.

But I will share my thoughts about how it is to come back to poly after almost 7 years.

The ups. The downs. The hurt and perhaps the love. Without trying to be an expert. Just being me.