(Written in 2019)
This is a hard post to write because I wanted my life to have been a bit better. And it has nothing to do with the poly lifestyle, but this affects me very much.
I have had problems with my boundaries when it comes to sex and romantic relationship since my relationship with the first person that got me into poly. That was in many ways a great relationship when it was good, but also kind of a horrible one where we simply was not goot for each other.
I did not understand it at first because I was so so much in love. And I was new to poly.
So when I felt jealous or sad because he never wanted to hold my hand, hug me or kiss me in public and brought it up with him -I got to hear that I was making unreasonable demands and that was not how poly worked.
And I believed him since… Yeah, he should know and I was so new to all this.
So when it hurt and I cried, I made excuses for him and made sure I did everything he wanted so we could be happy.
In short, I put his needs in front of my own.
It became less trouble that way. Less arguing and way easier since I did not have to hear what a horrible person I was for telling how I felt.
I also believed that if I did everything right, like he wanted to- he would perhaps come around and start to listen and also he would be able to show that he loved me (since he said it when we were alone).
But holy fuck how it almost killed me. All those discussions where I had to measure every word I said and then get told that I expressed myself wrong. And having to start over again.
And to hear that everything I did was wrong. How I looked wrong and acted false when I laughed, when I cried.
In the end I was afraid to do anything at all because I felt that I was never ever enough.
We tried Non Violent Communication from the beginning. He said it was the only way to communicate for him and it seemed like a very good idea when I read up on it. But after a while I felt so bounded by it since it always felt like it was on his terms. And I had to think so much about how I expressed myself and I could never do it right.
And I believed in his words over what I did wrong, from what I can remember:
“I did not lie to you, I just expressed it my way. You should have tried harder to understand me.”
“I can not be wrong, it is all you.”
“All of this is because you have low self esteem.”
“ But its not me that is hurting you. You choose to get hurt as a reaction to something that I do. If you were a better person, you should not have gotten sad.”
“It is hard to love you when it feels like you can not love yourself”
“But I have no problem with how we have it. If you have a problem with this, then you need to change yourself so we can be happy.”
It lasted for five years and then I ended it.
After that I was so broken that I almost went mad. I kind of did during the months after and it took years of therapy for me to walk outside by myself, to take a train ride, to laugh again without being afraid to be scolded. It took the love from my former partner to make me feel anything again.
It took almost five years before I could admit to myself and to my therapist that what has happened during those years was not all my fault.
That he was not a good person to me and that we were not good for each other at all.
Those years and all the aftermath made me less prone to trust people. I became more reserved, less open to hugs and cuddles with my friends and very determined to never, ever have to rely on anybody else like that again. I did not want to get hurt like that again and become broken.
I wondered for so long why I could not move on and become.. Me again. But after years with my
therapist it became clear that it might not become any better.
Yep. Trauma is great in that way. It made me harder and afraid to let new people into my life. It sucks and some days I hate it all so much for all the pain and for the trauma. I hate that it affects me still when all I want to do is live.
But I cope with it and am able to be myself with my closest friends. Perhaps with more time, all my defensive walls will get torn down.
And now when I’m trying poly again, I feel superscared in many ways since I remember all of the bad things that happened.
But I also know all the red flags from that time and poly was never the problem there. It was lack of respect and communication as well as a lot of selfishness.
I learned a lot from that.
Most of all, it also made me very sure that I would never, ever have anybody treat me like that again.
Of course I wish I could have had a better life without all of that. But the best I can do is to learn from it.
There will be no stepping over my boundaries.
There will be no trying to change who I am.
I will not be with someone who does not want to compromise and does not want us both to feel good in our relationship.
With that knowledge and also knowing how far I've come during the years - my life can be pretty damn good.
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