So secondary… how the hell do I do this?

(Written in 2019)

I decided very early after my long relationship with my primary partner ended. 

No primary relationship during 2019.

The reason was that I knew that was gonna feel the following:

• Confused. As in not knowing how to be by myself after ten years.

• Chaotic. As in perhaps wanting to dive into everything that made me feel good.

• Alone. As in struggling with the thought of being alone for the rest of my life and finding peace in that.

I know myself pretty well thanks to everything that has happened and still does. Add the fact that I'm a workaholic to this and you get why I really don't want a primary relationship. 

I was also super afraid of getting into something simply for a short burst of feel good and hurting someone else in the process.

So I decided that I could find others, I could have fun and love but I had to keep it under control. And also having  relationships with people that already had a primary partner seemed like a good plan. 

It was a great plan.

The problem was that I had NO IDEA on how to behave as a secondary. I had no clue.

My polymentor gave me a great site to read that helped a lot, It’s called More than Two and holy fuck, it has been my guideline these days.

Because hierarchy polyamory is something that was not in my life before. When I had two primarypartners, they had an equal amount of time and love from my side. And my friends who became lovers… we just knew that what we had was:

1. Temporary

2. That it would not affect our the base of  our relationship that was years of friendship..

I’ve seen other having secondary partners of course- I’ve even given advice to my partners girlfriend about being a secondary. But I did not think that I would be in that position. After ten years with a partner, one can hardly think that the situation would change.

So it was learning a whole new thing from a whole new angle.

The hardest thing for me was learning that:

• I’m not someone's priority. That makes me feel so insecure at times and also makes me wonder what I can share when it comes to emotional stuff and heavy stuff that goes on in my life.

• That I’m not loved in a romantic way. This can happen of course but as of now, I kinda guard my feelings since I don’t want to be the one who falls in love and stands there with my heart in my hand. 

• That what happens in the primary relationship can affect me in a very bad way. For example, I can have my time shifted around with short notice. If they decide to close it, I have no say and if they have a bad time, it could also affect me.
  
  

This sounds so depressing and it was (and still is) difficult for me to adjust to. I struggle with a lot of thoughts. Mostly because I never want to be a burden or intrude in a relationship that is loving and caring. To always check that everything is ok with my metamours has become a huge deal for me and I really like it since I really want things to work out for everyone. 

I also struggle with balancing the amount of emotions, heavy stuff and intimacy I can share. And how much I have to listen to from my lovers.
That’s difficult since it feels important for me to be able to share my thoughts, but at the same time feeling that it’s not within our agreement. I love listening, but have to take care of my own boundaries and make sure that I don’t become a helper and a listener for others problem and not being able to vent my own thoughts.
There’s a lot to think about.

But at the same time I find it very interesting to learn from a new angle, because at the same time I learn more about my own boundaries and what I need.

In the end, communication is key here. Most of my struggles and that which my lovers struggle with, have been solved through taking and finding our own way to build our relationship on.

Because in the end, I can read and get my head spun around by hundreds of the Do's and Don’ts. None of that really matters since the relationships I have now,are built together, step by step together.
It feels great to do that and I love that we are able to do that, even when I’m secondary.
The battle for me is to be respectful, listen and keep my boundaries.

And that the only questions I should ask myself are: 

Do I get what I need from this relationship?
Does my lover get what they need from this relationship?

Even though I’m secondary, the relationship we have is ours and we make it.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a few steps and I want to learn everything I can from this. Being a secondary will work the year out and perhaps even longer if I feel like it. 

Even though it feels a bit lonely sometimes, I would not want to throw myself into something new. And as long as I don’t get hurt and I don’t hurt anyone - things can be pretty damn awesome.