Guy.. Girl… Does it really matter?

 (Written in 2019)

Please note, when I talk about women and men here, I want to stress that transmen and transwomen ARE men and women. 

This might not have anything to do with poly but I still want to bring it up since it has to do with my sexuality, love life and is a part of my journey of realizing how I work.

I’m bisexual/pansexual and have been since several years back. For a very long time, that side of me was very lowkey, both because I mostly hooked up with female friends and also since I’ve been in a straight-passing poly-, /mono relationship with my former partner for almost ten years.

I realized that I was attracted by other girls pretty late in life. I’ve always found girls very pretty and attractive but I did not reflect over that. And of course I kissed girls when I was drunk but it mostly felt like a thing between friends and nothing that I could or should dwell into.
Not until I was around 22.
I had just started to dive into the polyworld and there I met another view on kissing, relationships and feelings that really fitted me. And with that I started to reflect more about my own feelings for girls.

When I kissed girls…. Was that something I just did because I was drunk and turned on or was there something more to it?

I can’t pinpoint when it became clear to me that:

No, this was not just something that I did because I was drunk and turned on.
Yes, It was about real feelings and attraction.

• Maybe it was that time when you kissed me at that club. I didn't even know your name but when I looked into your eyes I knew that you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen.

• Maybe it was when I fell head over heels for your laughs and your beautiful dresses. And the feeling of your soft lips against mine and how beautiful your colorful hair was in my hands.

• Maybe it was the roses and the precious memory and the talk we had all night. And later on, I woke up because you had crawled up on top of me and slept with your hands in mine. Your eyes were so black and beautiful and I knew that you would always shake my world.

3 persons that changed my life and perhaps it was one of them, perhaps it was all three but those events made me realize that I was very much attracted to women.

Later on, I fell for non-binarys so hard and somewhere around here I felt just like Haruka In Sailor Moon….

So yeah. I fall in love and am attracted by beautiful people that are smart, talented and have good values. 

Your gender really don’t matter to me.