Poly and no primary partner

(Written in 2019.)

So. When I was full time poly (dear god, what a word!) last time, it was 7 or 6 years ago. Then I had the privilege to have not only one but two primary partners. It took:

1. A LOT of time-management.

2. A LOT of energy.

But it also gave me a great sense of self worth. The fact is that it is very nice to be a primary to one or two people.

It gives security and a safetynet that is so nice.
Because with a primary in my world, I can talk about emotional and heavy stuff without having to worry if I’m overstepping. And with that, they can open up to me about everything. They can be my rock and I can be theirs.

In short. I loved being a primary. 

Everybody loves being in the spotlight. 

And then I was in the best relationship I ever had for so many years. Being a primary and he was mine. Best years ever.

So going from two primarys to one primary and now to.. No primary is kinda hard in one way.

And don’t get me wrong here. First: That me and my partner since years back split up was a decision I made since I only loved him as a friend. Superhard, but it will be the best for both of us in the end.
Second: I don’t want a primary in the sense of having someone around all the time and being glued to that person 24/7.

What I miss with not having a primary is having someone to talk to on an everyday basis. On chat, on the phone and on messenger. Small things like jokes and silly memes about cats. Big things like when I’m having a bad day and beeing able to actually be honest about how bad it is.

I miss that and even though it’s lovely to be flirty (or in my case, trying to be flirty since I SUCK at it), it kinda creates a feeling of disconnection in me when I can’t open up to people. It takes away an important part of what I liked with poly the first time and I’m working on finding a good balance there.

And being without a primary partner tends to make me a bit...more distant.  It pushes me into my “must-be-strong-and-show-no-weakness-place”. That can be a good place but it mostly adds out to what my friend Alexander calls my Toxic Masculinity-syndrome.

It really is a great thing for me not showing any weakness. 

                                                                                   Just.. stap

Or maybe not. But I’m trying to deal with that.

My point is, when I have a primary partner, I’m much more relaxed since I can open up to them and be myself.

I have a relation now where I try to stress that I need to be human. It kinda works but I notice that I’m a bit distant there as well. Perhaps I will always be since I can’t be in it 100%.

So. This looks like the saddest polypost ever where my lack of primary partner makes me a miserable person.

That’s only 25% correct. 

Yes. I miss someone to have close.

I have days when I miss to have a hug, to be human and to just text someone and say “hey, please just send me some love.”

And on those days - I call my friends. I reach out to them, I let myself be weak and ask for help. For love and for letting me talk.
I do the same for them.
Today, I had a meeting with one of my closest friends. And in the middle, I got sad.

“Hey, could you just pat my hair and tell me that I’m good and that everything will resolve itself?”

He did that. He wrote on his computer with one hand and patted my hair with the other until I felt better.

I might not have a primary partner and that makes me distant and a bit scared to open up to new relations.

But my friends, my closest friends are my primary partners now. And that will make 75% of my days pretty damn awesome.