(Written in 2019)
It’s amazing what communication can do. It's such a small thing and yet it seems like opening up and communicating one's needs and boundaries sometimes is as hard as trying to bicycle for the first time.
I’m a prime example of having a hard time communicating my needs and boundaries. I can thank a lifetime of trying to be a perfect girl, being told to keep silent and never causing trouble. Thanks for that Patriarchy, you did great things for my early years.
I had monogamous relationships where the communication were poor but we still made it work. But communication as a key in relationships came into my life with poly.
In my first poly relationship as a primary I took my first steps in learning. We communicated, but it was solely on his terms and I struggled since I did not know what I could say or what I needed to say… yeah, that did not work out great.
The change came in my second primary poly relationship with my former partner.
Although it was not easy. We were both pretty broken and we had issues, me from my other, still ongoing poly relationship and he from his relationship.
We did not have any idea of how to do this polything and were trying to form something that would last.
All we knew was that we wanted to be with each other.
That could have been enough - if it weren't for the fact that we were both pretty stubborn and hot headed. For the first time I formulated my limits and boundaries since I knew that I wanted him bad and I wanted him to value me.
We had many arguments. We broke up. We got back together. We came to a point were I put down my final demands…and we realized again that we were worth it.
That should have been enough, but since building relationships are an ongoing process and nothing that is ever finished… It was not.
We argued for another year about our needs as partners and lovers. What we needed, what was not ok for us and how the hell we thought about our future.
It sounds like a year of horror but it was actually the best. We learned so much about each other's needs, boundaries and how we wanted US to be.
Us together and us as individuals.
How we could draw experience from our previous and current relationships without letting them setting the limits on our current relationship.
We talked so much and holy fuck did we get wiser! We were both learning about each other and about us.
I learned so many things about opening up, taking care of myself, not pushing away my feelings and most importantly, that my needs was a valid thing in a relationship.
In the years that followed we closed our relationship, as I mentioned before, but we never stopped talking. We also realized that one of the best things we got out of poly was the ability to communicate openly and honest. Because we knew that when we talked about things that might be sensible or hurtful, it was not because we wanted to hurt one another, it was because we wanted to solve it.
I can say for sure that our relationship started to fall apart when my emotions died and also when I stopped communicating with him about what was happening. I did the classic move of shutting down, trying to protect him, and carrying it all by myself.
“I was 100% sure that you were having an affair during the autumn when you were away.”
“Why did you think that?”
“You stopped talking. You just said that everything was fine. And I knew that it was not.”
I know that we could not have saved it even it I had talked about it. Lovers become friends and feelings are tricky when they die.
But I would have saved him and us from so much harm if I’d kept communicating. But at that time, I thought it best to keep quiet about the threats, the racism and the hate mails that was my everyday life.
So how is it today?
In one way, I’m back to square one with finding and building relationships and learning about others needs and finding my needs in new constellations. But at the same time I’m not back to square one since I have all my experience points in communication from years back.
I know how important it is with good communication and what awesomeness it actually gives.
I know where I went wrong in the past and I will try to avoid making those mistakes again.
I know that to have full and rich relationships, I need to be honest with the people that I want to have in my life.
Does this knowledge prevents me from being scared, having insecurities, freak out and doubt everything about myself and my relationships sometimes?
Fuck no. I still have those issues. Issues does not go away with knowledge, sadly.
Believe me, it’s super scary to open up to new relationships and for me, it makes me feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever done.
It’s like walking on ice a sunny winters day without knowing if I’m gonna fall into the freezing waters beneath my feet. It’s a feeling of feeling unsafe and believing in myself and that my needs are still the things I need to be clear about.
I hate feeling vulnerable like that since I don’t want to be hurt or risk hurting others.
But no matter how I twist and turn it… I would rather have good communication than trying to play all the games and not being honest.
The thing is.. Talking about one's needs and learning about another person's needs and with that - taking care of each other and learning how to build something… that is still the most beautiful thing I know about love.
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