But it’s all feelings! Highway to all or nothing.

(Witten in 2020)

One never knows when love will hit but it did. When I got back into poly, I did not want to be in a relationship but I wanted to have the freedom to have feelings, have sex and to feel.

And as you know, I got a bit burned during this year but I never felt that I was looking for something serious. I focused on work and rebuilding my life as single after ten years in a loving relationship.
But I would lie if I said that the feeling did not creep up on me in one case. 

I pushed it away but looking back, I can see the signs of me being a bit too invested:

Like showing vulnerability.

Like keeping a drunken promise of not playing any games (it would have been so easy to play games and he would never had known)
Like booking more dates and all the traveling.

Like holding space of my own free will and also letting him into my thoughts

Like us talking for hours without end.

The realization that I loved him hit me in the head like a ton of bricks the day after new years eve. 

It was horrible. 

I did not want to love him or be in love. I did not want to have feelings for someone so far away and I did not want to risk being hurt again.

I wanted to bury the feelings and never bring it up for myself again. But I’ve done that so many times before because I had to in previous relationships. (Hooray for being a secret way too many times.. Or not) .

This time, I could choose what I wanted to do and I did not want to lie to myself, nor to him. I also made a promise that I would live a life without regrets for 2020.

So when we spoke a couple of days later, I told him.

Turned out he felt the same.

So I started the year with love. And a huge fear of being hurt and having to remind myself 1000 times that all of my past bad experiences are just that -  past bad experiences.
We started to plan more and more things. Having projects together. Wanting to go to conferences together. Wanting to spend birthdays together. Me staying there for ten days and working.

Still with only being lovers and with a huge fear from me.
Then the pandemic happened ( I will write a bit more about my thoughts about being in a pandemic and being poly in the upcoming months) and we wanted to be together instead of being at different sides of a border. Perhaps for two weeks.  We ended up spending almost 4 months living together. It worked very well.
We argued about what we meant to each other and landed in being anchorpersons.

We relaxed, went on adventures and were in a bubble of us.

I cried so much when he had to go home and I never felt so...weak and dependent. This was not me, not the independent and strong person that I had made for myself.

I had to remind myself that it’s ok to feel, to love and be in love and that it’s ok to miss him.

And now we are both in this. Being poly or in an open relationship. Being partners and anchorpersons.  Loving and trying and waiting to see where this all brings us.