So many thoughts, so little time.

Woha! It is 2023 and perhaps, it is time to take up this blog again.

It has happened A LOT since 2020 with both good and bad things and that have of course made me reflect over poly, relationship and self-value. 

So... let's see what the year brings!

But it’s all feelings! Highway to all or nothing.

(Witten in 2020)

One never knows when love will hit but it did. When I got back into poly, I did not want to be in a relationship but I wanted to have the freedom to have feelings, have sex and to feel.

And as you know, I got a bit burned during this year but I never felt that I was looking for something serious. I focused on work and rebuilding my life as single after ten years in a loving relationship.
But I would lie if I said that the feeling did not creep up on me in one case. 

I pushed it away but looking back, I can see the signs of me being a bit too invested:

Like showing vulnerability.

Like keeping a drunken promise of not playing any games (it would have been so easy to play games and he would never had known)
Like booking more dates and all the traveling.

Like holding space of my own free will and also letting him into my thoughts

Like us talking for hours without end.

The realization that I loved him hit me in the head like a ton of bricks the day after new years eve. 

It was horrible. 

I did not want to love him or be in love. I did not want to have feelings for someone so far away and I did not want to risk being hurt again.

I wanted to bury the feelings and never bring it up for myself again. But I’ve done that so many times before because I had to in previous relationships. (Hooray for being a secret way too many times.. Or not) .

This time, I could choose what I wanted to do and I did not want to lie to myself, nor to him. I also made a promise that I would live a life without regrets for 2020.

So when we spoke a couple of days later, I told him.

Turned out he felt the same.

So I started the year with love. And a huge fear of being hurt and having to remind myself 1000 times that all of my past bad experiences are just that -  past bad experiences.
We started to plan more and more things. Having projects together. Wanting to go to conferences together. Wanting to spend birthdays together. Me staying there for ten days and working.

Still with only being lovers and with a huge fear from me.
Then the pandemic happened ( I will write a bit more about my thoughts about being in a pandemic and being poly in the upcoming months) and we wanted to be together instead of being at different sides of a border. Perhaps for two weeks.  We ended up spending almost 4 months living together. It worked very well.
We argued about what we meant to each other and landed in being anchorpersons.

We relaxed, went on adventures and were in a bubble of us.

I cried so much when he had to go home and I never felt so...weak and dependent. This was not me, not the independent and strong person that I had made for myself.

I had to remind myself that it’s ok to feel, to love and be in love and that it’s ok to miss him.

And now we are both in this. Being poly or in an open relationship. Being partners and anchorpersons.  Loving and trying and waiting to see where this all brings us.

The perks of not being a flavor.

(Written in 2019)

There is a big drawback that I have discovered when I got back into poly. 

Perhaps it’s the new times, perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t have a big polycircle of friends that I can sleep with, have sex with or being intimate on a casual basis or perhaps it’s the boring thing that I don’t have a primary.

The drawback is that I am seen as a… flavor, a fun adventure or exotic.

And that fucking breaks me down into a million pieces.

I don't know if it’s the poly thing or the non-primary-situation but it has happened a bit too many times during the last year for me to think it’s fun.

I wrote about it before and for me it’s so important to have value in most of my relations and even in sex. I want to connect and I want to talk afterwards. 

And I can have sex for fun just once, that's not the thing here.

It’s when I get lied to about them having a girlfriend, (not not not fun to discover later on)getting suggestions about spending the night even when they have wifes (that always makes me feel like a whole evening is kinda ruined) or the standard that they want to be with a dark girl for sex.

I hate it so much. 

Sometimes when this happens after fun evening out, I start to wonder if I have done something wrong to get all of these morons coming to me.But as you know, I can’t flirt even if my life depends on it and most of the times I have just been me, discussing games, nerdy stuff, sharing jokes and drinking like there was no tomorrow.

But those questions make me sober up so damn quick and I feel so bad. I often laugh the questions away and tell them to go home by themself and then I go the other way and feel sad, used and lonely.

I had a thought in late summer to start getting on dating sites since it seems that there could be a lot of fun people there. But after the 30+ suggestions that are all about me being a flavor and a sexy spice in someone's life for fun, I don’t want to get on dating sites.

I’m afraid since I don’t want to get anymore of those comments and suggestions. They make me feel bad, cheap and most of all, they make me feel like an object instead of a human and a woman.

Maybe I’m getting a bit more cynical but maybe not.

It’s not unreasonable that I get treated like a human and not a fun adventure for someone else's sake.
The persons that made those suggestions to me may have the best intentions (or not) but when saying things like that, they show a huge lack of respect towards their partners and most of all towards me.
Since suggestions like that show that they don’t respect or value me.

I’m still not sure if this is because I’m poly but I don’t think that is the case since I’m not that open with it. Perhaps it's just that I run into a lot of selfish idiots.

I am more careful now and that feels sad. But I rather be a bit more careful than ending up getting hurt and sad.
And I know that I am worth so so much more than being a flavor for someone else’s fun.

Everybody is broken - and why that can be good.

(Written in 2019)

I have very often in this blog talked about my trauma and how it affects me. It was not my intention in the beginning but I've come to realize that I really can’t leave it out - since it still affects me.

But it’s not unique to me, because almost everyone has a past that affects them or is a bit broken.

And that could be a great help in life.

Because having a past with a bit of brokeness for me has meant that I know very well what my I want from a relationship

I know what I value and I know what I need in a relationship to feel good

I also know what are the huge red warning flags in a relationship and what I should stay away from.

Sometimes I fall in the traps anyway since I’m not more than a human and I can sometimes be very weak against a nice smile or a dangerous aura. But with my latest mistake this year, I do so hope that I will not repeat it.

Please don’t get me wrong here. I would have given my left hand to be unbroken and not having nightmares and a lack of energy. But my brokenness has given me a great insight in myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.

I know my defence mechanisms and my coping mechanism and that makes it easy to analyze others.

So when I do poly, I can pretty early on find out if a relationship is something I want to hold on to based on how well I connect with the person and I can also pretty fast see their defense mechanisms and issues.
I can see if they are aware of them, if they are working with themself and if they are willing to talk about it.

Why talk about it?

Because I want to be 100% sure that I will not become the fixer, the parent, the friend or the advisor that needs to fix the person.

No way in hell that I will do that again.

That's why I want to see if they are working with themself and if they are persons with a good and healthy relationship to themself.

There have been so many times when I’ve been out with someone and after a while, my whole radar starts to beep with warnings.

About them not being honest with relations.

About them having emotional luggage that they expect everyone else around them to carry.

About them wanting to have conversations on their terms only.

About them expecting me to be strong and fixing everything all the time.

About them expecting all support and giving none.

The list can go on but my point is, since I experienced all of these behaviors in my past, I know them pretty well and I can spot them. And then it’s bye!

I also know that I have to be pretty open with my own trauma and issues when I have relationships.

Not in every relationship of course, some are just for fun and sex but for the ones that I want to last - I need to open up.
Honesty on that level is difficult for me since I’m very afraid to open up and risk being hurt. But when I find people that I want to keep and have around, it’s worth it.

They know my brokenness, I know theirs and with that, we can build relationships that give joy.

The balance in being poly and a workaholic.

 (Written in 2019)

One of the most important things for me in poly has always been time. It was important so many years ago and it’s even more important now.

When I say time, I mean time to spend with the people I love, alone time for self care and rest and time for my family.

It should be so easy.

But then we add the fun fact that I’m a workaholic and suddenly it gets really complicated.

I’ve been a workaholic since… way to many years back. It started as a coping mechanism for me, since working was the only way to keep me alive after me and my ex broke up.

My therapist then said that it was a miracle that I was 1) alive 2) able to stand up and 3) work on 100%.

But he understood why I never wanted to take a break from work, perhaps long before I did.

I don’t know if that was a good thing for me, still not sure. But it took me through the years of the worst trauma and it prevented me from giving up. 

My biggest fear during all of these years since my ex has always been that my trauma would overcome me and that I would not be able to work. 

I fought it so hard and long, with healing and climbing up. 

I used meditation, therapy and during the first years - antidepressant and sleeping pills to cope with my nightmares and the pain that never seemed to end.

This in combination with my work actually helped. 

Somewhere along the way, I realized that I found peace and a feeling of self worth in my work.

I loved working as a journalist and at my dad's job. It helped me grow and find stability and find what I was good at (and not).

I loved to work with gaming culture, with organizing events for feminism and against racism, I loved helping others grow in their hobby.

When I finally was free from my depression, my work led me to so many great places and I realized that I wanted more. I wanted to change the world and go my own way.  I wanted to follow my dreams and that has been a journey of both pain and loneliness but never regrets.

In short: My work is very important to me today, much more than it was 10 years ago.

I put a lot of time into it these days. I have a tendency to work for very long hours and sometimes I need to do that since my memory is pretty damaged by trauma. Things take a bit longer but all of my work sparks so much joy.

So with that, my time looks like this:

• My work takes 100% of my workdays.

• I need self care and rest for at least two days a week. This can be time by myself or time together with someone that I’m really comfortable around.

• I want to give my closest friends and my family time, my evenings easily get spent having a fika, dinner or just chill time with them.

And on top of this, I want to spend time with my poly relations. But oh, how time is so fucking scarce!

I handle this with planning, planning and more planning. Often months in advance.

I try to make it very clear to the people that I start to see that my work and my friends and family comes first, both because it’ s true and because I don’t want people to expect that I can give them weeks and days of my time.

And even with the best intentions, sometimes I suck so hard at this. 

I tend to not prioritize relations that I don’t feel as strongly for and sometimes it can go weeks without me staying in touch.

These relations are often ended after a while since I realized that I have them more for a need and fun times than an actual will to build something lasting with them.

But the relations that I feel strongly for, with emotions and sex, those I want to give time and lots of it. All I have.

Which is not that much since it’s me and my hopeless life.

But for me, giving of my time is perhaps the most important gift I can give. Since it says to people that I want to have them in my life and that I’m trying.

So for me, it is a question of planning, communication, calendars and also an insight in myself on how I need to prioritize. 

Superboring sometimes.

Do I wish that I could be more spontaneous?

Do I wish that I could have more time?

God yes.

But when I find persons that give me joy, that I want to connect with and when the emotions are standing there, then I want to give them time. 

And then I give myself room for being spontaneous and to be able to give time into that relationship.

Since that is the easiest way for me to say how much they mean.

Boundaries and rules

 (Written in 2019)

So one of the most important things when I decided to go into Poly again was to keep a super close eye on my boundaries. 

I was determined not to get used again and I had to be sure of what I wanted.

The first step was to sit down and make a list of what I thought was important in a relationship, no matter if it was with a lover, a date or a partner. Because my boundaries have constantly been stepped over, most often in relationships, but sadly a couple of times in sexual situations. This was a huge step for me, both to put myself foremost and also to put it down in writing.

In sex, I know that it was not my fault but in relationships it has been more difficult. I always wanted to please, not to make trouble and I wanted to make things work.

In many of my relationships I ended up bending myself impossibly and overstep my boundaries to create a happiness that often was not there.

I tried to carry the relationship and went into problem solving mode too often. I thought that if I tried hard enough, it would be perfect.

But guess what: It did not become perfect and in the end. I stood there with an aching heart, almost burned out emotionally and with a feeling of wronging myself without actually achieving anything.

The funny thing is that I’ve kept on fighting to become independent and never have to rely on anyone else again. I wanted to carry my own weight and to be able to do everything by myself. And in that equation,I needed to be the strong one. The one who solved everything and never caused trouble.
Typical me. Or for anyone who struggles with a need to be perfect and to please others and never show emotions or weaknesses.

So I decided to make a fresh start when getting into poly again. 

But since most journeys must contain at least one mistake, I could not steer clear and ended up having my boundaries horrible overstepped. I fell into the same patterns of trying to please and to make excuses for bad behavior and thinking it was what I deserved 

It took a good friend's advice and his warm friendship to make me realize that I was treated badly.

“He has a girlfriend, I did not know…And he asked if this would be a problem.”

“He did what? What an asshole.”

After that conversation I could look at it from the outside perspective and see that I deserved much better and that I could put the days of when I was treated like second best behind me.
Sadly, I did not get the last say in that but in the end.  However I took the fight, put down some demands and was not only agreeing to being mistreated.

With that lesson learned I could move on. I don’t need to fall into old patterns since I’m not the same person as I once was. I don’t need to make others happy in order to feel happy. I must look after myself.

And the best thing I can do for myself and the people I care about is to keep my boundaries clear to myself.

So what is important for me in a relationship?

• Honesty above all. 

• Trust in each other.

• Validation. To lift each other up, tell nice things to each other and actively support each other in job and life.

• To be a team where both take equal responsibility in tasks, projects and caring.

• Space to listen and be listened to.

• Alone time to do things on your own.

• Equal amount of time spent on the relationship.

• Equal amount of emotional labour.

• Equal amount of emotional investment. 

• Good communication that is respectful and on both terms. Check-ins with each other.

• Cuddling, sex and being intimate.

• Consent and safety in sex.

And the last things: That I should not have to fix the other person and nor should they fix me.

Big no nos for me:

• Hearing details from other sexual endeavours. 

• Being a flavor, a bucket list-item, an object or a sex toy.

• Being a substitute for other relationships.

• Feeling second best and never being good enough. It happens when I get treated badly.

• Not feeling prioritized when we are hanging out.

• Having mutual plans canceled last minute..

• Decisions taken without my involvement. 

And the biggest no no: I don’t want to be a secret. Never ever again. I want to be a part of someone's life and feel that they want me in theirs.

So yeah, that's my boundaries and rules.That doesn’t mean that I can’t compromise, but it has to be a damn amazing person to make me do that.

This is a hard journey for me and sometimes I feel that I hold back and keep my opinions inside. But only for a while and then I remember what's important to me. Myself.

And with that knowledge, I know and trust that I can keep my boundaries and build some really good relations this time.

A short background story about my trust issues.

 (Written in 2019)

This is a hard post to write because I wanted my life to have been a bit better. And it has nothing to do with the poly lifestyle, but this affects me very much.
I have had problems with my boundaries when it comes to sex and romantic relationship since my relationship with the first person that got me into poly. That was in many ways a great relationship when it was good, but also kind of a horrible one where we simply was not goot for each other.

I did not understand it at first because I was so so much in love. And I was new to poly.
So when I felt jealous or sad because he never wanted to hold my hand, hug me or kiss me in public and brought it up with him -I got to hear that I was making unreasonable demands and that was not how poly worked.
And I believed him since… Yeah, he should know and I was so new to all this.
So when it hurt and I cried, I made excuses for him and made sure I did everything he wanted so we could be happy.
In short, I put his needs in front of my own. 

It became less trouble that way. Less arguing and way easier since I did not have to hear what a horrible person I was for telling how I felt.

I also believed that if I did everything right, like he wanted to- he would perhaps come around and start to listen and also he would be able to show that he loved me (since he said it when we were alone).

But holy fuck how it almost killed me. All those discussions where I had to measure every word I said and then get told that I expressed myself wrong. And having to start over again.
And to hear that everything I did was wrong. How I looked wrong and acted false when I laughed, when I cried.
In the end I was afraid to do anything at all because I felt that I was never ever enough. 

We tried Non Violent Communication from the beginning. He said it was the only way to communicate for him and it seemed like a very good idea when I read up on it. But after a while I felt so bounded by it since it always felt like it was on his terms. And I had to think so much about how I expressed myself and I could never do it right.
And I believed in his words over what I did wrong, from what I can remember:

“I did not lie to you, I just expressed it my way. You should have tried harder to understand me.”

“I can not be wrong, it is all you.”

“All of this is because you have low self esteem.”

“ But its not me that is hurting you. You choose to get hurt as a reaction to something that I do. If you were a better person, you should not have gotten sad.”

“It is hard to love you when it feels like you can not love yourself”

“But I have no problem with how we have it. If you have a problem with this, then you need to change yourself so we can be happy.”

It lasted for five years and then I ended it.

After that I was so broken that I almost went mad. I kind of did during the months after and it took years of therapy for me to walk outside by myself, to take a train ride, to laugh again without being afraid to be scolded. It took the love from my former partner to make me feel anything again.
It took almost five years before I could admit to myself and to my therapist that what has happened during those years was not all my fault.
That he was not a good person to me and that we were not good for each other at all.

Those years and all the aftermath made me less prone to trust people. I became more reserved, less open to hugs and cuddles with my friends and very determined to never, ever have to rely on anybody else like that again. I did not want to get hurt like that again and become broken.

I wondered for so long why I could not move on and become.. Me again. But after years with my

therapist it became clear that it might not become any better. 

Yep. Trauma is great in that way. It made me harder and afraid to let new people into my life. It sucks and some days I hate it all so much for all the pain and for the trauma. I hate that it affects me still when all I want to do is live. 

But I cope with it and am able to be myself with my closest friends.  Perhaps with more time, all my defensive walls will get torn down. 

And now when I’m trying poly again, I feel superscared in many ways since I remember all of the bad things that happened.
But I also know all the red flags from that time and poly was never the problem there. It was lack of respect and communication as well as a lot of selfishness.
I learned a lot from that.

Most of all, it also made me very sure that I would never, ever have anybody treat me like that again. 

Of course I wish I could have had a better life without all of that. But the best I can do is to learn from it. 

• There will be no stepping over my boundaries.

• There will be no trying to change who I am.

• I will not be with someone who does not want to compromise and does not want us both to feel good in our relationship.
  
  

With that knowledge and also knowing how far I've come during the years - my life can be pretty damn good.