Better lover than partner?

"I'm a much better lover and mistress than I am in being a partner."

 I do not remember when I started to say that. 

It was pretty early in my polylife and while I had lovers and even a pretty steady relationship with feelings at that point, I was still finding my way in this new jungle.

My lovers yes.. they were usually friends.. dear friends that became lovers, we kissed, breathed hard, felt lust and it ended up becoming sex. We loved it and for me, it was freeing. 

But the line between when I was a friend vs a lover was very hard to balance for me. And there were so many greyzones that both me and them were confused about.

Was I ok with listening to them talking about other girls they wanted to hook up with? 

Was I ok with knowing that a picknick in the sun most likely would lead up to my room and become something else, even thought I was tired?

Were they ok with me asking for kisses at the club and more than a hug sometimes?

Was were both ok with just... seeing the other one falling in love and kiss someone else? After all, we were just friends so... should we talk about it?

Most of these, we solved along the way and since we were friends from the start, we avoided the hurt.After a while, we went from lovers to friends and things went on.

But that feeling of being a friend more than someone exciting and special for my lovers stayed. So when I got new lovers that were not friends, I made a point of being just a lover and I tried so hard not to go in to the supporting-friend-and-listener-mode.

And failed horrible sometime cause I was just human.

When talks come to be a partner, a girldfriend or whatever... I felt hesitant. I was afraid of being the boring alternative, the one that my partner had as a safe alternative or as a comfy thing at home. I felt that I would become boring, stop caring about myself and just... be the very casual me that I was at home. In my comfy pants, with chips and not sexy all the time.

As a lover, I felt in control cause.. I did not have to show all parts of me. No vulnerability, no rough patches and all could be shiny.

If I was just me, I had to open up, let people in and most of all.. I could not guard my heart.

Over the years, I stumbled, fell and tried. I let people in, I loved and I was loved. But that little voice was always in my head and it still pops up sometimes.

What if I open up, was just myself and then got dumped because I was boring, sad one day or just not sexy enough?

I know that these toughts comes from a place of hurt and fear based on a lot of bad expeiences and that they are not correct.

I am rather a whole person with the ones that I want fully in my life, with vulnerabilities, feelings and intimacy. Because that love is worth everything and more.

So yes, I am a much better lover and mistress than a partner because I can play a role that I have full contol over. But  I am the best partner when it really happens.

Lust and giving in

Lust is something so tricky for me sometimes.

I was afraid to give in to lust for a long time because I had always been so cautious with showing that I wanted someone. 
I did not want to come off as a slut (THANKS PATRIARCHY!), risk hurting someone or making others think I did not care about them.

I wrote a blog post about it here how important the connection is for me in 9/10 times and I also wrote about the 10th time when it's when I just go for it because I desperately want that person. That is still the case.
But I am much better to feel into my lust and wants these days AND doing it on my terms, not stressing about it cause someone else wants sex but until we both want it.

What I want to tell my younger self that had read so much about sex in her books, who knew that it was something called orgasm but never really felt it or knew her body properly....

...That you will have so much great sex because you can't keep your hands off another person and you both want to just drown in that feeling. You will have sex in the most weird places and times just because you feel into your lust.

And it will be wonderful.

Seduce me with consent

So I want to talk about consent and how sexy it is for me.

This might seem obvious, but I'm old and have been to too many parties in the past where consent wasn't really clear.

There, I kissed the person who kissed me back. Of course, I did. But first, after they had kissed me and hugged me and groped me without asking and I felt like well I just go along with it.

It just felt easier. I think many of you might recognize that feeling when one felt it would be more challenging to say no than just continue down this road and accept.

Not a great thing and it fucked up my view on what I wanted, really wanted for many years when it came to sex and intimacy.
I have tried to do my best for myself over the years to ask for consent but also to be clear if I do not want something.

This weekend I meet so many people and it was wonderful. It´s one of those spaces where I just feel free, safe and myself. I danced, I laughed and I kissed so many people and received so many kisses.  

It hit me somewhere during the second night how ever-present I experience consent to be in that space and how safe it makes me feel.

And most of all, how damn sexy it is.

It's something incredibly sensual and respectful with that small moment when you're just getting close to another person, someone raises an eyebrow or just looking at you a bit more and you give the nod back. Then you kiss and for me, that small moment of consent before the kiss is something that really heightens the experience so much.
It's today one of my top sensual things than that kind of concern. Not just in kissing but for example when I have someone's hand on the side of my chest when we kiss. Then they do that lil tapping with their fingers, just a bit to ask "Can I slide my hand further down and I can nod with the kiss and then I just melt.

I just love that and during this weekend, I realized how far I come from that girl that said yes to things she did not want to. Now I only say yes to what I want, I lean into myself and listen to what I want AND I listen to what others want (The best I can and I hope I succeed).

This weekend, consent was everywhere and with that, I also had those times where they and I knew that we could just drown in each other. Because consent was there before

Well, this is perhaps not the most coercive blog post I've written.But I just want to say that in that little raised eyebrow, in that little nod, in that whispered "Is this OK" or "Can I kiss you"...  is more sensuality than so much more than I've been through during my teenage years and that is worth it's own words.

Jealousy and insecurities

We have finally got to this point and it is perhaps the thing I get the most questions about. Since I am poly/having poly relations, do I get jealous?

Of course not. That would be beneath me.

No, seriously, let's get one thing very clear:

I get jealous and insecure. End of story.

Or rather, the start of something new when I finally could admit to myself and my partners that it happened.
It was a big step for me to admit my jealousy, embrace it and take the lead over my feelings and separate them from my reactions.


Why?


Well, it is a tricky story. One thing I got to learn when I first started with poly was that if I was truly poly, I would not feel jealous. If I did that, I was the worst and should be ashamed of myself.

So I suppressed those feelings, pushed them down and kept blaming myself over the fact that while I loved two, three and even four wonderful persons at the same time; I still felt jealous and insecure over my place in their life.

With all this and getting told that I did not have the right to feel and even analyze and react to my feelings, nor communicate about them to the persons I was with; I came to the conclusion that I was the worst person in the history of humankind.

As you could guess, it did not do anything good for my relationships and it pushed my self-love to an absolutely low level.

Fast-forward to today where I wish I could go back and tell my younger self the obvious thing:

“Hey, it is ok to be jealous. It is ok to feel insecure and in need of validation from partners. These feelings are valid and you have the full right to feel them. Just don’t flip out but breathe, see what you need and then talk about it.”

Today, I am very well aware that I get jealous when I'm in a romantic relationship. I am only human and those feelings I have, show up but these days, I have pretty good knowledge of what I need in a relationship to feel safe.

I need validation, I need time, touch and words of affirmation. I need to feel that a partner is there for me, not to heal and be my second half but to know that I can rely on them and that they love and appreciate me even on my bad days.

I need to feel loved.

So when jealousy and insecurities happen these days, I dive into that feeling, I rest in it and I take control.
Meaning that I analyze what it is that lies behind that feeling.

• Is my jealousy based on a fear of being replaced?
• Or feeling that I get too little time with a partner?
• To little touch? To little sex (if the relationship contains that)?
• Do I feel insecure because I do not know the status of our relationship?
• Am I feeling like a secret and not like a part of my partners' life?
• Do I feel like I do not get a mental exchange with my partner?
• Or is it that I feel like I hold all the space for a partner but they do not hold any for me?

The reasons can be many and it is my task to sort out the root of my feelings. Then it is my responsibility to communicate it to my partner and tell them what is bothering me and what I need from them.

• It can be more time.
• More validation and kindness.
• It can be to just be listened to.

It is my task to be clear in analyzing my feelings and to communicate them but it is my partners' task to listen and hopefully meet my reaction with an open heart and understand that my will to talk about this comes from a wish for us to be stronger and better together.

Then, of course, there will always be moments when I do not separate feelings from reactions and perhaps overthink things way too much. But at least I know about it and I make it clear to my partners from start.

And with that, we can do the work together.

Mono or poly - Why not both?

Do I fall for one person or can I have feelings for many? Am I monogamous or polyamorous? 

Well. I am neither. And I am both.

This took a while to figure out and it was a looong way that is still not done. But I started out as monogamous only wanting to be with one person and that person should only be with me. And it worked.

Then I fell in love with one person that was not mono and I felt it was ok. Then I fell in love with another person at the same time and then another one.
The realization there that I did not have to choose but that I could love these people, have them in my life and they could love me was…mindblowing.
Of course, it took a lot of communication, transparency and more communication. Sometimes I fucked up because I was a baby poly then and was not great at communicating all the time…

I was in a wonderful relationship for ten years where we were poly a bit on and off. But for five years or even more, we were mono and only had feelings and sex with each other.

And after that, I had relationships with multiple people again.

Who said this was gonna be easy? 

But in short, I found the term ambiamorous lately and it kinda fits me like a glove. It points to people that can have both monogamous and polyamorous relationships and have no preferences in what is better or fits them the whole time.
They can have feelings towards only one partner or multiple partners at the same time.

Looking back at my life, it feels very clear that ambiamorous is the way I have lived my relationships in. I do not think poly is superior and I do not think mono is the only way to go.

It is just a question about feelings, respect and communication.

When things end and why it is ok.

 Here we are, in the year 2023 and a lot of things have changed for me.

My partner and anchorperson choose to end our relationship in early 2022. It was a huge sadness for me. We had been in a relationship for three years and I truly loved him and was soft with him in a way I had not dared to be in a long time.

When he wanted to end it, I was upset and sad but of course, I accepted it.

His feelings are valid and so are mine but that does not mean that our feelings in a breakup are the other parts to take care of.

Cause sometimes, love ends and feelings die and that has to be ok. I had to respect that he wanted to end it and then I had to go and handle my feelings of hurt and sadness with friends and family.

Our relationship lasted for three years with us living together for two years and handling a pandemic together. We started out as lovers with several comets and relationships around us but when the pandemic happened, we stayed with just us. Not because we decided to close it but because of safety and health. Simply put, you do not mess around in a pandemic. We both wanted to say healthy and be able to visit our families and hang out with close friends in bubbles.

Bringing in new lovers and partners was not an option in this and we both took that decision of free will and with happiness.

It worked very well with just being us and we were talking more and more about opening up for separate partners and play partners as well.

But life happened.

When it comes to breakups and separation in poly, those are just as painful and emotional as breakups in mono relationships, at least for me. It is the loss of a partner and a friend and in this case, in the aftermath, it was simply no option for me to keep him in my life anymore.
And that hurt.
It is hard to let go of a person who has become a huge part of my life and put down that boundary, but it was necessary and made the grief even deeper.

I’m very lucky to have a great family and amazing friends that have given me neverending emotional support to me over these past months and that has helped me a lot.

Since it ended, I have not had any desire to start a new relationship.

Kisses and more of course with beautiful people cause I really can’t resist that.

But right now, I am happy by myself without any partners. I wrote it before: my friends and family take up so much time and love in my life. They are my biggest support and primary partners in life so I am not really alone. And with that, I can take on the new year with a calm heart and a rest in myself.