Mono or poly - Why not both?

Do I fall for one person or can I have feelings for many? Am I monogamous or polyamorous? 

Well. I am neither. And I am both.

This took a while to figure out and it was a looong way that is still not done. But I started out as monogamous only wanting to be with one person and that person should only be with me. And it worked.

Then I fell in love with one person that was not mono and I felt it was ok. Then I fell in love with another person at the same time and then another one.
The realization there that I did not have to choose but that I could love these people, have them in my life and they could love me was…mindblowing.
Of course, it took a lot of communication, transparency and more communication. Sometimes I fucked up because I was a baby poly then and was not great at communicating all the time…

I was in a wonderful relationship for ten years where we were poly a bit on and off. But for five years or even more, we were mono and only had feelings and sex with each other.

And after that, I had relationships with multiple people again.

Who said this was gonna be easy? 

But in short, I found the term ambiamorous lately and it kinda fits me like a glove. It points to people that can have both monogamous and polyamorous relationships and have no preferences in what is better or fits them the whole time.
They can have feelings towards only one partner or multiple partners at the same time.

Looking back at my life, it feels very clear that ambiamorous is the way I have lived my relationships in. I do not think poly is superior and I do not think mono is the only way to go.

It is just a question about feelings, respect and communication.

When things end and why it is ok.

 Here we are, in the year 2023 and a lot of things have changed for me.

My partner and anchorperson choose to end our relationship in early 2022. It was a huge sadness for me. We had been in a relationship for three years and I truly loved him and was soft with him in a way I had not dared to be in a long time.

When he wanted to end it, I was upset and sad but of course, I accepted it.

His feelings are valid and so are mine but that does not mean that our feelings in a breakup are the other parts to take care of.

Cause sometimes, love ends and feelings die and that has to be ok. I had to respect that he wanted to end it and then I had to go and handle my feelings of hurt and sadness with friends and family.

Our relationship lasted for three years with us living together for two years and handling a pandemic together. We started out as lovers with several comets and relationships around us but when the pandemic happened, we stayed with just us. Not because we decided to close it but because of safety and health. Simply put, you do not mess around in a pandemic. We both wanted to say healthy and be able to visit our families and hang out with close friends in bubbles.

Bringing in new lovers and partners was not an option in this and we both took that decision of free will and with happiness.

It worked very well with just being us and we were talking more and more about opening up for separate partners and play partners as well.

But life happened.

When it comes to breakups and separation in poly, those are just as painful and emotional as breakups in mono relationships, at least for me. It is the loss of a partner and a friend and in this case, in the aftermath, it was simply no option for me to keep him in my life anymore.
And that hurt.
It is hard to let go of a person who has become a huge part of my life and put down that boundary, but it was necessary and made the grief even deeper.

I’m very lucky to have a great family and amazing friends that have given me neverending emotional support to me over these past months and that has helped me a lot.

Since it ended, I have not had any desire to start a new relationship.

Kisses and more of course with beautiful people cause I really can’t resist that.

But right now, I am happy by myself without any partners. I wrote it before: my friends and family take up so much time and love in my life. They are my biggest support and primary partners in life so I am not really alone. And with that, I can take on the new year with a calm heart and a rest in myself.