Not an end but a transformation.

Sometimes, things change and this time, those things were a relationship status.

I have had a primary partner for around a year now with other partners as well from both sides. It has worked well sometimes and less well some other times. As it is in most relationships.

But for a while, something has been feeling off. Bouts of jealousy have sparked and while that is completely ok and has been handled, there has also been an increasing need for safety and stability amid a quite chaotic everyday life.
Read me right here, I do not demand that my relationships should be perfect but in a world where work I'm under a lot of stress both in my work, living situations, and private plus adding the world depression on top of that. All in all, it creates a situation where I will look to all aspects of my life to minimize stress and drama.
For work, it means working sustainably and not burn myself out.
For living, it means looking over my economy and seeing that I have it all in order and cutting down things to make sure it works.
For myself, it means, for example, being outside, training more and doing things that give energy.

Relationship-wise, it meant that I had to take a detailed look at my wants and needs and what would work in the long run.

On one side, I had my want to be able to continue to kiss, love and be with beautiful people and partners.
On the other side, it was the stress and drama it caused and the effect it had on myself.

When I looked at it, I felt that my need for safety and stability did not match my want to be poly.
It was just too many factors that did not add up at this point in life.

That is completely alright.

After all, we are just humans and wants and needs do not always match. The only thing I could do then was to be as honest as I could, sit my primary partner down and have the talk. 

With that came a transformation in our relationship where the focus will be on just us and de-stressing for now.

Of course, it also came with relationship transformations regarding my other partners, flirts and comets but I will cover that later in its own blogposts.

As of now, this is how the situation is now and the ironic thing is that I now have more energy than before to talk, think and analyze poly. 

How weird life can be in that way.

Transformations can be painful, hard and wonderful but in the end, they are necessary for all aspects of life. 

Relationships and poly are no different in that way.

The drama solution

As many people, I have a bit of a people pleaser in me and wish to make everyone around me happy.  It´s quite common and my experience is that when I'm in poly relationship, I usally take on a big part of the responsibility in trying to make everyone feel happy. 

From my partners, to metamours, to lovers...Yes, I want everyone to be happy and most important - I do not want any drama. 

Hence I often have been bending over backwards to make sure people are happy to avoid drama. 

Perfect!

Or not.

Because in that process, I have forgotten about a very important person.

Me. I forget about myself and my needs and wants and I forget that in every relationship, mono or poly, it should be teamwork.

It should not be my responsibility to make sure that my partners are communicating about important things that affects our relationship.  Or checking in that they sticking to the agreements we made.

That they forget again and again is simply not good enough.

I cannot take all the responsibility for the communication of my partners to others and myself. Especially not when it comes from a place of hope to avoid drama and keep people happy.

That is just wrong. 

I can try to take care of everyone's needs but if no one, least of all myself, is taking care of my own... then, it will be an overload of feelings from others that I need to manage and that is not fair to anyone.

What I can do is keep my own wants and needs in clear check, communicate about it and stick to my boundaries and from there - build great relationships.

The solution for avoiding drama was so simple in the end that I did not see it clearly.

The drama stops when I put myself first.